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5 Tips From Your NYE Cocktail Waitress

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HEY! Hi. Over here. I’m the girl holding a tray of overpriced drinks. Yep, you got it- I’m your cocktail server this beautiful crisp New Years Eve, and I figured since it’s early I’ll go ahead and stop you now before you yell that drink order at me and give you a few tips from someone who is, if you’ll notice, working, on this most celebrated of holidays instead of partying it up with the rest of the 21-35 year old population. Despite the treacherous working conditions of a night like this one, I’d still like to help you out and ensure that your New Years Eve is just as it should be: a memorable, awesome greeting to 2011 full of dancing, drinks, and debauchery.

1. Be nice, jerkoff

Look. I am fully aware of the fact that you probably dropped over a bill on the mere entrance to this bar tonight. I know you need to be properly sauced to even consider talking to that girl over there. And yes, I know that behind that glittery-shirted exterior, you’re still a 12 year old kid with low self-esteem. That doesn’t mean you need to talk down to me, okay? I’m serving you your social lubricant, so instead of shouting your order at me like I’m a bookie at the race track, slow down, smile, and tell me what you want.

2. Don’t get too drunk

I know that’s a ridiculous statement. You’ve been working hard this year (or maybe not, I don’t know), and want to let loose and ring in the New Year with a champagne-induced black out. But let me tell you, there is nothing less endearing than a slurring dude with hooded eyes and an inability to stand up straight. In this unforgiving era of Facebook, it is in your best interest to retain some semblance of sobriety. Plus, we are under strict orders these days to stop serving anyone who looks too inebriated.

3. Do not order dumb drinks

This includes but is not limited to: anything with the word bomb in it, Buttery Nipples, Long Island ice teas, blended margaritas, Adios Mother F***ers, and ESPECIALLY NOT MOJITOS. If you pay attention to only one sentence in this post, make it this one: DO NOT ORDER A MOJITO. We will laugh in your face.

4. Don’t be too aggressive

There are many in the cocktail waitress/bottle service world who will say “don’t flirt with your server.” I think that’s taking it a bit far… no one doesn’t like a compliment here and there, and don’t think that we aren’t picking out the hottest of you all from behind the bar either. However, we are unbelievably busy, so don’t interrupt us if we’re delivering drinks, don’t call us over if you don’t actually need anything, and don’t rub your junk on us as we walk by (yes, that is a thing). These rules extend to you and your date. Last year I found 3 (THREE) condoms on the floor of our bar, and while I really appreciate that you aren’t spreading your seed, I’d rather you left bumping uglies for the hotel or cab ride home.

5. Keep your drug use quiet

I don’t care if it’s coke, ecstasy, Molly, or MDMA-laced SPEEDBALLS, if you’re gonna do drugs, keep it quiet, for gods sake. You will be kicked out, they may call the police, and you could spend your NYE in a cop car for felony possession. To each his own, so party as you’d like, but please, for your sake and mine (because I’d REALLY like you to close out your tab instead of going to jail), don’t put tablets on everyone’s tongue in the middle of the dance floor. This isn’t a movie, dummy.

Well, I suppose that’s about it. You’ll notice there is a small army of anorexic girls and their meathead boyfriends walking in the door so I need to take about 40 orders of vodka-waters that will undoubtedly be sent back for “tasting funny.” Enjoy your New Years Eve, party your face off, and don’t forget, tip me well or I swear to god there will no alcohol in any of your drinks for the rest of the night.

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